


Not Joking

by DemonCrafting



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 07:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonCrafting/pseuds/DemonCrafting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When injured on a mission, Shepard doesn't have the patience to deal with her crew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Joking

"Damn it Shepard! Move yourself," said Cortez as he maneuvered the shuttle past the weakened Cerberus defenses.

"Lets see you run with a broken ankle, and a god damn knife in your god damn leg!" shouted the injured Commander.

"You've got two minutes to get to the shuttle before I lose my window, Shep. Hobble your ass to the LZ, double-time," said Cortez.

"I think-" began Shepard as the hoisted herself over a ridge and held in a groan as the movement aggravated her wounds, "-Vega has been a bad influence on you, Cortez. You never use to sass me."

"Don't try to blame this on me, Lola. He has perfectly good taste in friends," remarked James.

"With you guys around, I'm starting to think mine is horrible," Shepard sighed, cursing as she came upon a small unit of Cerberus troops.

"You wound me, Shepard. Alright, thirty seconds out," said Cortez.

"Almost there, just dealing with a few stragglers," she said, hoisting her Mantis up and taking aim at the troops blocking her path to the extraction point.

"Forget the sniper rifle right now, Lola. Use a damn grenade," said James.

"Not exactly my style, Mr. 'I solve my problems by blowing shit up'. Besides, this rifle has saved your ass too many times to count," she shot back.

"Whatever you say, Commander. We can see the LZ, looks like there are only two guy left behind that set of boulders. I'll get 'em," said James as two precise bursts from an assault rifle found their mark. 

Shepard waved to James in thanks, and he nodded in acknowledgment from his position in the open doorway of the shuttle.

"Alright, nice shot. Drop the ramp," said Shepard.

"Glad to see you again Commander, but seriously sit down before you fall down," said Cortez as he turned around in his seat to get a look at her.

"Mierda, Shepard. Those bastards really did a number on you," said Vega.

"Well I'm still alive, so they can go to hell, and the Illusive man can join them," she said.

"Agreed, but why the hell did you make me fall back to the shuttle without you. I could have prevented that," said Vega as he gestured to the knife that had managed to slip between the plates of her armor on her left leg.

Shepard shook her head and opened her mouth to reply when an explosion rocked the base below them, and the resulting shockwave bounced the shuttle and its occupants around violently. Shepard and Vega cursed as they fell out of their seats, but Cortez managed to right the shuttle in moments.

"Damn, that was a hell of fireball. Did that come from the warehouse at the edge of the compound?" said Cortez.

"Yes it did. I found oxygen tanks in there," said Shepard.

Vega let out a low whistle and said, "How many?"

"More than enough, apparently. But that's why I had you fall back. There was no way both of us could sneak into the warehouse. The number of guards was unexpected though," she said.

Vega nodded and moved towards Shepard, trying to get a better look at the knife, but she slapped his hands away when he tried to touch it.

"Just get us back to the Normandy, Cortez. Karin is going to be pissed," said Shepard.

"Why wont you let me just pull out the damn knife!" said James.

"For starters, I don't see any sedatives lying around, and second I don't want to fucking bleed to death," she snapped.

"That would make for a pretty anticlimactic obituary," commented Cortez.

"Thanks, Steve. You always know what to say to make me feel so much better..." said Shepard with a shake of her head.

"You're probably right. I think I am rubbing off on him a bit," said Vega with a chuckle.

"I'm going to punch you next time I'm in the shuttle bay. When I have full range of motion again," she said, leaning her head against the wall of the transport.

"Looking forward to it ma'am," said James with a wink.

"And I'm looking forward to seeing it," said Cortez.

"Me too!" said Joker, his sudden appearance in the conversation startling Shepard momentarily. 

"Joker, have Dr. C dredge up the good drugs. I'll be heading over to the med bay as soon as we dock. Also, if you even think of mentioning the knife to Liara, I will explain every inside joke and innuendo filled conversation we've had in the cockpit to EDI," she said.

"What?! No fair! I didn't really have much of a choice, she's freaking cra- OW!" said Joker.

"Shepard, did you really think you could keep your injuries from me? Do you remember what my line of work is?" said Liara, her sharp tone making Shepard cringe.

"Sorry, Liara. I just didn't want you to worry about me. You've got a lot on your plate right now with coordinating the defenses on Thessia and keeping up with the broker stuff..." said Shepard.

"As honorable as your intentions were, I worry every time you set foot off the ship," said Liara.

"Sorry babe, but really don't worry I'll be good as new in a few hours," said Shepard.

"I certainly hope so, I hate to see you injured," said Liara.

*You getting cavities from this too Vega? I think I am. It's almost too much," commented Joker, causing James to laugh.

"Joker, I still know where your datapad is. Don't think I won't show EDI how to access your vid collection," said Shepard.

Vega and Cortez laughed while Joker said, "Not cool, Commander. So not cool."

"Stop letting Liara bully you into listening in on the mission in the cockpit, and this wouldn't be a problem," replied Shepard.

*Are you kidding me? She's giving me a death glare as it is, I'd rather have James punch me in the face than provoke your biotic girlfriend," said Joker.

"I'd be up for that," said James.

"Thanks for the support, Vega," Joker scoffed.

"No problem, flyboy," he said.

"Does he call you that, Cortez? Or is it just me," said Joker.

"Actually Jeff, he calls me sweetheart. Don't be jealous," said Cortez.

Shepard shook her head as Vega retorted, "Hey now, that's supposed to be a secret."

"You know what, I changed my mind. Pull the knife out, if I pass out from blood loss then I don't actually have to listen to you people," said Shepard.

"Shepard! I'm still on the line. Do anything of the sort and I will kick you out of your own cabin, and you can sleep in the med bay," said Liara.

"Fuck. Sorry, Liara. I was joking," groaned Shepard.

"Why can't you ever apologize that quickly Vega, you just let me go on and on..." said Cortez, smirking at the exasperated Commander.

"I just love the sound of your voice, sweetheart," said Vega, catching on to the game the shuttle pilot was playing.

"You know what? Never mind, not joking. Take out the knife," said Shepard, sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"Shepard!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, it's been a long time since I've posted any kind of fan work. Hopefully it was enjoyable. Also, I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. This was written on a whim and I didn't edit much.


End file.
